Mike Storck

I swear I mean it this time...

2011-11-21T12:48:00.001-08:00

Just like an abusive boyfriend promises to change, I promise once again to start blogging. I plan on even having a link to it on my website, I swear. I'm also going to start going to the gym again... I promise.

Lazarus Blog Post!!!

2011-02-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

That's right, this bog has risen from the dead! A conversation with comedian and friend Jared Stern has renewed my interest in blogging. He posts something each day which I can't even comprehend, but he said that it helps him with his writing and Jared is a great writer, so there must be something to it. I have been feeling like my writing muscles are starting to atrophy, so any exercise that I can get them would be a good idea.

yet another crooked contest

2007-11-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

well, i didn't make it to las vegas and the comedy festival after all. i want to thank all the people that voted for me, and spread the word to others to vote as well. i know that a lot of people (too many to list right now) spent a lot of their time voting in an effort to help me secure a spot at the lucky 21 show in vegas, and it means a lot to me. i soon learned that some comics appeared to be cheating, and it seemed so blatant that they were sure to be caught. at one point, roughly 500 votes equaled about 1%, and i watched one particular comic jump from 6% to 20% overnight. that's about 7,000 votes in the middle of the night. right. that's legitimate.

i was told by a friend of mine that they were probably using a "script" or "macro" to generate the votes, and i thought maybe it was something traceable and they would be disqualified. apparently not. a macro is basically a program that you tell to do certain actions (open a window, go to a website, vote, close window) and then repeat. there isn't really any way that the website can tell if it's your finger clicking the mouse, or your computer doing it, because it looks the same on their end. i realized that a better system would involve "one i.p. address= one vote"

i had a friend tell me that he was going to write a script or run a macro for me and i told him no. i believed that anything like that would be found out and i don't want to get disqualified, and i thought i would have the votes legitimately anyway. besides that, i don't cheat. period.

let me explain. i don't cheat, i don't steal jokes, i don't kiss people's asses, i don't justify the means with the end, and i still believe that the good guy will eventually prevail. i didn't get great grades in school because i never cheated on a test. it would go down like this: i didn't study (because i was setting off fireworks or something stupid) and then when the test came and i was unprepared, i would do poorly. basically, i screwed up and i took my lumps. when i got busted, i went to detention. when i get nailed by radar, i pull over. i never copied someone else's homework. i wouldn't get answers from somebody else's paper. i never copied someone else's book report. in a nutshell, i've always done my best to be honest. i play by the rules. and it's getting me nowhere.

thank you to everyone who got behind me on this, and thank you for voting for me. thanks for giving a shit and wanting to see me succeed. thank you for wanting to see me make it to the next level, and taking action to make it happen. all i can say is that i am truly sorry that the votes you cast were rendered mute, and your voice was not heard because of a flawed system. i can never prove anything, but it doesn't matter anyway. i feel happy enough to know that you guys were there for me and had my back.
thank you.

by the way, i'm thinking of abandoning this blog as i don't know how many people actually come here, so if you are reading this please leave a comment so i have some idea as to whether to pull the plug on this blog.

is anyone reading this?

2007-07-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

i haven't even checked my own blog, much less written one in ages. not that anyone is chomping at the bit to hear the latest. i assume that everyone is reading and posting on myspace rather than here. if you are reading this now, please email me and let me know... otherwise i will abandon this blog.
mike

i'm thinking of giving up my dream

2007-03-22T00:26:00.001-07:00

i don't know how much more of this i can take. i have been doing stand up comedy for almost nine years now, and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i have been fighting the urge to just give up and quit for longer than i like. as a comic, you see or hear things that make you question your talent, your strategy, your overall game-plan, and make you wonder if it's just not going to happen for you. that's one of the reasons that some comics don't like to hear about who got what development deal, who's going to aspen this year, or who just landed a spot on comedy central. because it can really fuck with your head. it makes you wonder why you didn't get asked to do a television spot. it makes you wonder what you forgot to do, who you should have called, where you should have sent your tape to, or have been on a particular night.

i think i'm a pretty good comedian, i could be wrong but other people come up to me and tell me that they think i'm funny, so i trust their judgement. i do my best to write good material and perform as strongly as i can, but it seems like the comedy world is passing me by.

my friend andy kline said it best, "we're the lost generation of comedians". when i was first starting out, i used to hear the older comics talk about television auditions and guys they started out with making it big, and figured it was just a matter of time before we matured to the rank of comics that got looked at for festivals and television specials. somewhere along the way, we got skipped over. we continued to work and hone our craft, getting funnier and better, hoping that we were going to be given our due, but the next thing i knew younger comics were doing those same auditions and showcases that i had been looking forward to. we got passed over.

i used to skateboard when i was a teenager. i wasn't very good, but i enjoyed it. i had dreams of one day being sponsored and making a living as a professional skater. one day i was at the skatepark and saw a twelve year old pulling tricks that were light years away from anything i could even attempt... and he was landing them. it was at this moment that i realized i was too old to catch up to where this kid was, and at the very best i could only tread water to keep up with him at any contest. shortly thereafter i quit skating and started drinking heavily. i started drinking because my dream was gone. i'm feeling the same loss and surrender now as i did then. i can see that me and the comics in my graduating class have missed our time. it's the younger comics that are going to be getting the spots on comedy central. it's the newer comics that are going to the festivals. it's the comics that started after us, that still have a shot at making the dream a reality. not us.

i don't want to be the grumpy cigar smoking road warrior that sits at the hotel bar bending the new kids ear about how, "i started out with that guy, he used to open for me" long into the night. i don't want to be the aged one-nighter dinosaur that still hangs onto the futile hope that maybe the powers that be will come to their senses and realize that i am a good comedian who deserves a shot at making more than a pizza hut driver. i love doing stand up. i love the feeling of being onstage and having an audience laughing hard and spitting drinks out. i love the actual act of doing stand up comedy. i just don't know how long i can survive the disappointment. i don't know when someone is going to get my back and go to bat for me, or if it's ever going to happen. i am broke because of my love of doing stand up. i made more money when i delivered cheesesteak subs and fries, which really sucks if you think about it. comedy is hard. most people wouldn't want to even get on stage, let alone keep getting onstage long enough to get good, but we do it over and over. our job is a specialized skill that very few posses, but we don;t make shit. think about it: some dude from a bombed out third world country can come to this country, get a job chauffeuring food at papa john's, and within a month is making more money per year than a comedian who has been honing his entertaining skills for 5 years.

i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm tired of getting nowhere.

Canadian Rap

2007-02-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

I was watching the canadian music channel and was a bit stoned and came to a realization: they actually play songs with a video that goes along with the music! wow, what a novel idea! somebody should do that in he united states, instead of airing road rules or cribs or the real world 32 times a day. what ever happened to showing music videos on the channel that is supposed to show music videos? it's like the old cliche, "dance with the one what brought you".

the other thing i noticed was i was watching rap videos in french. i couldn't understand it any less than an american rap video. a lot of gesturing and mugging for the camera, flashing bling but without the same level of production values and extravagance we are accustomed to in the united states.

here's what got me the most: there was a rap video where you never see the actual rapper. he's rapping about something, and there's a white guy reading a newspaper in a diner and he looks really stressed out about something. he's the one the rapper is talking about, and he's the protagonist. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! a honkey is actually the hero? clearly these canuck hip-hoppers don't get the art form at all. white guys can't be the good guy, they're not even supposed to be benign or neutral. they're supposed to be crooked cops with a hot temper, an old uptight business guy who owns the media banks and country club, cracking a bullwhip in the cotton field, or a judge. that's just the way it is. if you see a white guy in a rap video you can just assume that he's the bad guy. it's like any action movie ever made: the guy with the foreign accent (usually german or russian) is usually the terrorist that has the uncanny ability to spot the local renegade flatfoot's wife amongst the hostages. that's how it works. (sidenote: there used to be a lot of arabic/muslim terrorists in movies right up until spetember 11th, then it was verboten to portray them as the kind of people who would do such a thing, which they in fact did). i wonder if it's taboo to have bad guys with irish accents in english movies?

i know feel like the reverse racism in rap videos is perpetuating the problem. all crackers do is punish the brother, whether as a slave owner, policeman, loan officer or judge. i typically forget the fact that i'm white until it's pointed out to me by someone else. sometimes i feel that black people are intent on keeping the divide between us, and that attmepts to bridge the gap are rejected on the grounds that they need to "keep it real" and not sell out and play the white man's game. i don't think i'm in the game, because i'm still poor and owe lots of money to the government. in the white man's game i think i'm just a benchwarmer. i don't remember who said it, but when asked how to end racism and bigotry he said, "stop talking about it". so i will.

forward this blog

2007-01-29T21:23:00.000-08:00

i just got another godamn forward from someone who didn't have the common courtesy to blind carbon copy. so now i can expect 432 replies from every jackass who also doesn't have the decency to "reply to sender" or "b.c.c.", but replies to everyone else that got the stupid thing. i don't want to hear about the angels in iraq, or spend 15 minutes looking at pictures of a kitten with a bong propped in front of him as if he smokes pot.

i think forwards like this are worse than surveys. at least with a survey you get the illusion that the person who sent it wants to know what you would choose: eting a sandwich from a homeless man, or licking a handrailing in the subway? but we all know this is just a guise because they really just want us to read their answers and laugh at how clever they are. a forward is just cut and paste soapboxing. it's a hallmark card that can be a little more politically slanted than a greeting card company would allow.

i know what you may be thinking, isn't that precisely what a blog is? an internet based soapbox for me to bitch about soapboxing? no. the difference is that you came here on your own volition. you're not reading this from your inbox along with 982 other victims who had no choice but to get chained to the water cooler for the next 4 days because it wasn't b.c.c.'d.

forward are usually stupid, but if one must keep their friends in the know about the latest "chickenlittle-x virus", please have the decency to keep our anonymity intact. don't be a dick.

p.s. if you know anyone who does this and pisses you off, forward this blog to them along with 33 other emails.

comedians

2007-01-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

i've heard some people say that all comedians really want to be rock stars, and i don't think that's true. i think some comics do, but most really just want revenge, justification, or basic human acceptance. i think a lot more people want to be rock stars but without actually having to learn how to rock. mainly, some people just want to be stars, and they don't really care what field they become famous in as long as it's a cool one. rock just seems to be the easiest avenue to rocket to fame, while still allowing for all night parties and high school senior behavior. not as many people clawing to become world famous physicists.
that's where i think hecklers come from, they want the attention of the comedian, but they don't want to have to do any of the work. hecklers are assholes and selfish pieces of shit, the don't care about anyone else in the audience, and they have a detached sense of social ettiquite.

the problem is this: i have seen comics who are more in love with the idea of being comedians than they are with making people laugh. it's like the guy who wants to be a rock star but doesn't want to sit in his room practicing chords and riffs, and actually doing the work to become a great musician. i want to be a super rich pornstar ninja, but i don't have a giant dick and i don't want it bad enough to go to ninja school for 8 years and then have giant student loan debts for 20 years. you think your college is tough with the loan debt? try ducking japanese assasins every single day. they don't give up, and they don't feel physical pain.

if you want to be a comic, write jokes. if you want to be a rockstar, practice guitar (not xylophone). if you want to be a pornstar ninja, i will live vicariously through you.

logging is saving the planet

2006-12-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

well, i stand corrected. i always thought that the earth was warming up and that the environment was in jeapordy, boy is my face red. according to the experts at "forest products equipment", it's all a bunch of chicken little hooey propogated by the sinister cabal of scientists and wise guys bent on clouding the issue. we need to put a stop to these university research meddlers before they ruin the planet with their insatiable greed and lust for power. let's face facts: ecology is a trillion dollar a year industry. environmentalism has been raking in the cash for decades while the lumber movement gets brushed aside as "a bunch of whiny granola crunching love pixies". it ends now. read for yourself....

hummer hybrid 12 step

2006-10-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

i have a few theories about cars. i have also realized that as one gets older, it becomes easier and easier to make generalizations. you see patterns over time that you can't deny, and consistencies that are... well, consistent. i drive an average of 30,000 miles per year, and i get to interact with thousands of drivers from all over the country, a lot. one consistency i have noticed is that people who drive hybrid cars are more likely to let you merge into traffic, but hummers will not. there is a certain type of person who buys a hummer, and a certain type that drives a hybrid, and reasons why they chose their purchase. we all know the cliche of the mid-life crisis corvette purchase, but it became a cliche for a reason. because it happens a lot.

hummers block the left lane, tailgate, speed excessively (this is coming from a leadfoot cannonballer), weave, never use turn signals, change lanes without bothering to see who they're shoving into a ditch, rarely let people merge, and generally drive in a selfish pushy inconsiderate way.

hybrids tend to hang in the right lane, get tailgated, plod along with the cruise control set, only change lanes in an emergency (they will stay behind an old fart for hours before they finally decide that 23 mph on the freeway is retarded and go around), when they do change lanes they put their blinker on, check the mirror, check over their shoulder, hesitate, check again...,
and a hybrid car is much more likely to be covered in "save the fur trees" bumper stickers than a hummer ever would. because they are more considerate.

in a nutshell, they are 2 extremes of the spectrum. the hybrid driver is overly considerate bordering on co-dependent, whereas the hummer captain is overly narcissistic, selfish and is still trying to prove something. maybe trying to reclaim their emasculated ego, or flaunting their cash and success, but at the expense of other people, the air, the environment, puppies and fur trees. the hybrid driver is trying make up for the mess that the hummer is creating. the hummer is the alcoholic (gasaholic) husband and the hybrid is the codependent enabling wife that tries to clean up his mess and pay his bar tab once again. always making excuses, trying to offset the damage he's stirred up once again, picking up the slack because "he just can't control himself", and "if i don't do it who will?". the hybrid puts her own needs on hold and resolves to live more frugally and humbly, when in fact what she's doing is enabling the hummer to continue drinking the gas that she didn't finish at the bar.

it's an unhealthy relationship that needs to end. the hummer won;t stop drinking until he hits rock bottom, and that won't happen until his gas tab starts cutting into the rent. baby can't eat this week because daddy had to go out on a road trip. starting to find cans of gasoline hidden around the house, in the garage, under the sink, even under the baby crib for god sake!!! it's only when the hummer realizes that he is powerless over gasoline and his driving habits have bacome unmanageable, that an alternative power could restore him to sanity.

memory

2006-09-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

i have the worst memory. i woke up this morning and had a really good line in my head, something profound, well worded, and funny, and i didn't write it down. now it's gone. occasionally i will remember things ,ater in the day if something jars my memory, but usually not. i buy little notebooks for just this reason, if i don't jot it down immediately i will never remember it. i have always envied people with good memories, and wished i could recall things that i thought or said, be able to flashback to a memory of some good time easily. that's one of the reasons i like to take pictures (even though i don't usually), because the photo is the only thing that i have to remind me of a particular trip or event. without the picture, i have to hope that someone else will talk about the "time we set off fireworks in a convenience store" so i can then go, "oh yeah!!! i totally remember that shit now!".

i read once that the reason the japanese take so many photographs (as per the stereotype) is because of their culture. work and efficiency obsessed, cram as much into the week vacation a spossible, see EVERYTHING, and take plenty of photos to look at later when you "have more time". it almost seems counter-intuitive to hustle on your vacation, and "enjoy" looking at the sights when you get back home.

to me there is a subtext of "no time to enjoy things now, i'll do it later", but there is no later, there is only now. i like japanese culture, especially with its contradictions. there is such a rich and interesting hostory which it seems they respect more than other cultures, yet at the same time japan is always on the leading edge of technology and what's next. you can see it reflected in the music, car design, and entertainment. we covet harley davidsons because they are a "classic motorcycle", whereas japanese bikes are the most futuristic looking you will ever find.

integrity and hack

2006-09-17T22:47:00.000-07:00

hacking. one of the harshest terms in stand up comedy. to say that one is hack, is to say they suck. it's one of the worst insults one can make towards a comic. it is to say that they are unoriginal, predictable, or outright stealing. i make a distinction between hack, and theft however. if a joke or premise is "hack" means that it has already been done to death, and was either too obvious or stolen so many times that it is worn out (think monica lewinski and her stained dress). theft however is different. if someone steals a joke they are blatantly taking someone else's idea and passing it off as their own, which in most industries would be tantamount to intellectual property theft. to be unoriginal and hack is bad, but to steal is worse. if someone steals your joke or idea, they are plundering your creativity, and all the work that went into writing, rewriting, trying out, rewriting again, tweaking, polishing, and finally perfecting a joke. you did all the work and they reap the benefits.

most people are afraid of public speaking or doing something like standup, because it makes you vulnerable in the harshest way. to go onstage and risk bombing with a new joke that's probably not going to get a laugh yet is very scary and difficult, but we do it every night because that's the only way to grow and generate more material. every joke you hear a comic say has bombed for the first 12 times before it was altered and rewritten into the working bit you hear. it takes time and work to be funny onstage, and it's something that you have to go through. unfortunately, stealing jokes is a way to bypass the "work" part of the job, and not risk bombing with something you wrote yourself. some comics actually go as far as telling jokes they read in a book or heard from their dirty uncle. would you pay $15 to hear someone just read pages 112 thru 133 of "truly tasteless jokes vol.IIV"? of course not. when someone does another comics bit, what they're really saying is, "i'm too scared to risk bombing, so i won't put my ideas on the chopping block".

what they don't realize is that that's really the best part. speaking YOUR mind and sharing YOUR thoughts is one of the greatest things about stand up comedy. putting your ideas out there and applying your own unique personal spin on them is scary, but rewarding. anyone can talk about shopping or the price of gas, but if you can do it in a funny way, and word it in a humorous light, you're now communicating on a much deeper level. you are interacting with an audience and telling them what you think, how you see the world, and illustrating it even more clearly through humor. a hack isn't even being honest with the audience. he is not only stealing another persons "way of wording things", but also borrowing their perspective and outlook, pretending to be someone he's not. it's like the douche-bag in high school who would tell everyone this great story about how he covered a police car in ground beef and maple syrup, but it was actually you that did it.

you might be asking, "but what can i do storck?", but i doubt it. you really don't care that much, be honest with yourself. besides, there's not much anyone can do. the sad truth is that the average comedy club patron has no idea what jokes are hack, what material really belongs to whom, or who thought of what first. the only people that usually know are comics. i have had comics do one of my jokes, and then 3 months later see me do the same joke and think that i stole it. i get double slammed: i have my ideas stolen, and then get labeled hack on top of it. that's why hacks suck.

but don't just take my word for it:
"if you risk nothing, you learn nothing, and if you're not learning you become stagnant... stock lines are theft, someone wrote them. simply put, there's no such thing as stock. there are two kinds of jokes: jokes you wrote and jokes that are stolen".
"it's not like moses came down from the mountain with ten commandments and a few lines in case you get in a jam"
-lord carrett
(a hack wouldn't have given credit)

follow my stomach, it always knows

2006-08-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

i have been on the road for a solid 3 weeks and i'm in knoxville right now 30 minutes to showtime. i was in port charlotte, fl at a place that had unbelievable food. seriously. my steak was so jizz-tastic that i actually took a photo of it to attempt to do it justice. the shows were great in port charlotte, jacksonville, and all this week in knoxville. the only off set i had was in matthews where i did my friend matt davis' show "sin" where each comic does his raunchiest, edgiest, offensive, politically incorrect material possible... or at least that's what i thought. i got really shit faced and stunk up the stage with material that apparently crossed the line that wasn't supposed to be there. in my defense, i was trashed. i could barely form a coherent sentence, let alone engage in subtleties like timing, inuendo, and punchlines. i had fun though. the highlight of the night for me was when clint nohr continued to hammer a heckler after the guy had shut up and been quiet for a while. this has been one of the longer stretches i have been away from home and i'm ready to head back. it's been fun, but wiht a price. my family had to put my dog and best friend to sleep while i was away, and i didn't really get to say goodbye to him. i would have liked to bring him back a hunk of the steak i had in florida, and he would have eaten with the attitude that it was rightfully his to enjoy, with out thinking for a minute that he deserved any less.

wiseacres

2006-07-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

the shows this past weekend at wiseacres were great, the crowds were awesome and i had a lot of fun. i did get a bit drunk as hell friday night, but there were no incidents with fireworks or the police (officially that is). here are two pictures from saturday night, the wiseacres crew and then larry xl autographing some mammaries.

pictures from the road

2006-06-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

i have made an effort to take more and more pictures from the road, and here are the results. the last tour was with the infamous paul hooper, but we managed to stay out of jail and not set anyone on fire.

the comedy nest

2006-05-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

well, i had a great time in montreal as always. the food is great, the weather rocked, and i enjoyed every show (with the exception of the drunk bachelorette party on saturday). i really do hate bachelorette parties. look, we all know that it's "your special night" or whatever, but that doesn't excuse some of the retarded things i have seen these girls do. i have heard the logic described as: we're going out one last time with all the girls and having a crazy blowout before you get hitched and we can't go out like this anymore. the goofy part is, most of these girls have never done any of that shit in the first place. yeah, before you got married, you always went to strip clubs with a penis veil on, and got so drunk and obnoxious that you are asked to leave 32 times. i don't know what makes girls think that a comedy club is the place to go get sloshed before they get married. that makes about as much sense as going to the patent office to get stoned because you're about to leave for college. i personally hate it when they come to a comedy show, because they usually have a sense of entitlement, get trashed beyond repair, and won;t shut the fuck up. and god forbid, you call them out on it and slam them, because all the other women will turn on you. it's really the worst type of bully heckler that you can get. the kind that you can't tear into. ugh. hate bachelorette parties.

new scanner!

2006-04-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

i am really a fucking techno idiot. i get one of them new fangled computer scanners, and i'm plum ape-shit. i'm scannin everything i get my hands on, including the chinese take out menu. i really am just a dumb hillbilly. i feel like i'm on the cusp of some great new invention. an invention that's been around longer than kids who can rob me at gunpoint. i would know, i have a bit of a magnetism for armed robbery apparently. sadly, i don't have any photos to scan of my former financial liberators. i guess thes pictures of me and brother will have to suffice.

myspaced out

2006-04-18T00:04:00.000-07:00

i am fascinated by people that attempt to be deep and profound on their myspace profile. "i love living life and the people that make it all worth living, and that every day is a gift, and life and love and..." and so on. they manage to say nothing with as many words as possible. my favorite is when you click on a persons page and it takes forever to load because they have some stupid video of a cat falling off a microwave. maybe the cat was commiting suicide because it realized that it was in the care of a human that was dumber than it. the glitz is by far the ultimate signal of retardnesss in the tenth power. a blinking gittery fairy with hearts and a comet? you're not 12? did you recieve blunt trauma to the head warranting a tax break for your employer? myspace is turning into a high tech version of a sticker book.

kickboxing

2006-04-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

well, i did the show at caroline's and forgot to take any photos, so i sanpped this one on the n train on the way back. apprently my friend andy told me that you're not allowed to take pics on the subway, homeland security rules. i was anticipating a kickboxer to come flying through the crowd and roundhouse the mikestand in a show of enthusiasm for my new jokes, but it did not happen.

saturday morning cartoons

2006-04-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

i just watched staurday morning cartoons... on a christian network. man i laughed my ass off. horrible acting, mind-numbing dialougue that i think even retarded kids would change the channel for. there was a power rangers rip-off, where the main charachter was named "bible man". i can't believe that people actually might watch this (without the aid of pot or sarcastic interest). i'm just wondering if they make this stuff for entertainment or as a recruitment tool. i would be very afraid of the person who is converted to christianity by bible man, very afraid. "yeah, i used to believe that god was a beer can, until i woke up to the truth of bible man!" bible man flies around quoting the bible left and right, and somehow that will stop an exploding bus from destroying the kitten orphanage. apparently he's the only guy that people listen to. i'd love to see an episode where he flies to palestine or tehran, maybe waziristan.
even wacko islamic jihadists wouldn't stoop to this level of idiocy. i have to admit i would love to watch an episode of "koran-man and hammasboy", where they have to battle the crusading putty bad guys with sharia beams and boom-vests. now i realize why the rest of the world thinks americans are stupid, it's not baywatch or mtv, it's shows like bible man that highlight our intelligence and maturity level. oh yeah, and he had a lightsaber. that's where i draw the line, he's fucking with star wars now... i'm calling george lucas.

the beaver

2006-04-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

rumor has it that this man known only as "the beaver" was last seen wrestling a mountain lion in the grand teton area of north america for a half full can of national bohemian. always the optimist, the beav regarded the "half full" beer as a prize worthy risking death. his current whereabouts are unknown, as is his comrade in arms tour schedule. perhaps the beav might establish a trap for his friend using a comedy gig as ripe bait, luring the unsuspecting comic into a snare of booze and debauchery, only to be recollected by the phrase, "dude what the fuck did we do last night... and where did all these fireworks come from?" we shall see...

diposable printer

2006-04-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

apparently, computer printers are made now with the idea that the companies will make more on the ink that the actual printer itself. great. it would be like gm making cars that fall apart in 3 years because they teamed up with exxon and plan on making more money selling the gas to fuel the car. what happened to quality? what happened to making a good product that lasts? what happened to me that i sound like some old coot sitting in a hardware store complaining about kids today? i'm just tired of feeling ripped off.

covered in blood

2006-03-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

well we're a couple of days into shooting the film "corpus kristi" and i haven't seen that much blood since a time when there was a lot of blood. the filming is going well, and i think we have a really great project here. i have posted a few of the pics i took on the set here, and i will post more as we go.

stupid shit i've done

2006-01-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

i'm starting to compile a list of all the dumb crap i have done over the years. here's some of the highlights i can remember off the top of my head:
I set fireworks off on my chest, I set them off in my pants, I drank until I threw up blood, I dumped an entire box of mr. bubble in the fountain at the mall, I shot bottle rockets out of my ass, I kicked a metal trashcan from a motorcycle doing 50 mph, I set my leg on fire, and din't even remember it. one haloween i was going to go as a catholic school girl (yeah, real orginal) and needed to get rid of my chest and leg hair, but shaving takes too long. a bic lighter doesn't take too long. yeah it stunk. but it only took about 4 minutes. i then had the bright idea to "trim" my nose hair using the same dipilitory method, that stank even worse. what's my point? apparently i am an idiot. oh well, at least it's interesting. i will have more dumb confessions soon....